I am 21 years old. Wow.

i'm in a funk. can't figure out why or what's wrong... i saw a piece of artwork in a shop window in scotland that, if i hadn't been so poor, i would have bought, and today it would hang on my wall as my icon and personal motto. yet i am an impoverished student, so it's just a memory that i look at from time to time and smile over (i suspect, too, that the memory is richer than any thoughts i'd have as actual owner of the piece, so maybe poverty is positive). it was a portrait of a bald young man, head and shoulders, balancing a lit candle on the crown of his head. written in script across his chest were the words: "don't ask me why this is me." that's how i feel. i feel like breaking something, and chewing someone out, and creating, and being worthwhile. i am discontent. i just am. don't ask me why, because i haven't figured it out either.

me and *--- 

checkbook ying-yang

i am balancing my checkbook. or, well, not balancing my checkbook. attempting but not. bad karma or something. i got back from danielle's house - no grout. i was vaguely disappointed, but she had cute dogs and i got to see the relatives down in st. pete today, so s'all good. main reason to update - i have been immortalized in comic! see: http://www.livejournal.com/users/starline/, the oct. 23rd 2am entry. i'm on the right. thanks star!

hurray! i'm going out of town with danielle and bri, and i'm going to be staying in danielle's barn, i think, and helping her grout her new house... seriously, it's going to be such a relief to get down and dirty and not have to use my brain for one day. be back sunday night!

reporting live from insanity

aaaah! an 83! i got an 83! i. passed. my. chinese. midterm. it's such a good feeling. it's 3 o'clock in the morning, i have to rewrite that stupid B paper, i am eating apple jacks and listening to nickel creek, i got a comment from tegan the poetic and fun emails from ben (who knew the fall of the mughal empire could create such suspense?). life is good.

all the girl relatives went to new smyrna beach at the end of the summer - nine letton ladies, treasures of florida. though it was fantastic fun, when we left i forgot my summer china pictures there. aunt trudy just mailed them back to me, and i promptly pinned 12 of them to my corkboard. i should scan some of them. i think they're good. i keep looking up from my desk to admire them conceitedly.

it is inexplicable, this feeling of well-being i have. i am very sick. if the treefrogs who keep sneaking into our house could talk, i am how they would sound. my nose is drippy and my throat tickles. but i feel great! that's it. i have finally cut all ties with reality. my mind is calling to me from a distance, telling me that back in sanity i feel really bad, but in my own little rainbow world out here, euphoria reigns.

i am not a dancer, and yet when brenda fassie sings i dance. brenda fassie rocks my world.

shi yue

Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves!
- Humbert Wolfe

it's a perfect day in gainesville. it's still warm enough for t-shirts, but it has that feel of autumn. the light is clearer, and the smell of the air has changed. i imagine that the split second before we die, we have one last burst of vivid awareness - we'll feel the electricity shivering between individual nerve cells in our bodies, and hear our own heartbeat louder than anything else. if this is true, then it makes sense why fall, the dying year, feels so alive.

i got a B and B- on my big papers and failed my chinese midterm. i failed it, i'm sure. good news is that so did the rest of the class... so i'm not the only idiot there, YES! the great news is that i just got tickets for kate and me to go home this christmas, and money has come through to pay for it, too. Praise God! so if nothing else, i can escape my abysmal grades at the end of the semestre by hopping on a plane. i hope you're all having as great a day as i am!

Kunming, China. The greatest place on earth, not to mention HOME.  

okay, okay

so it WAS dumb. no one left a comment, and i had to figure it out on my own, and that took longer. now it's saturday afternoon... i'm compulsively eating peanut butter m&ms and trying not to think about what i have to do today. UF's playing LSU, which is apparently a big deal. i do not have tickets, but i'll be cheering them on in that little corner of my mind that i keep for organized sports. it's a very little corner. i played racquetball with carolina the other day, but we had to make up our own rules. especially since i'd just been on the phone in tears with financial affairs, it was quite liberating to be able to bash something around. then my check finally came the next day, and i immediately paid all my school bills and bought myself some cotton balls. hey, it's what i've been wanting. star and danielle are sitting on my bed, and danielle thinks ted looks like an anteater. punk. we're having a "faith talk." more later! - because i know you're just dying to hear more about my fascinating life.

hey guys - i need feedback on this poem. is it funny? does it make any sense? be honest, i won't be hurt. i am iron. :)

Anatomy of a Loss

Help me find -
my ears, where are my ears?
Oh, here. I was sitting on them.
My teeth? Maybe...
over there, in the planter?
Yes. My arms are
on the bookshelf
and my nose is there
on the floor. Thank you.
My stomach fell
somewhere - check under the desk.
No, my eyes
were closed, so
they're still right here.
And so is my heart, but it broke.
I'm sorry, I guess

after he left
I just fell apart.

c. 2004

Poetry redemption

wow, what a week. it's much too boring to tell you about, but it left me feeling exhausted. then last night, when it was finally over, i watched a chick flick with some friends and read myself to sleep. there's something about reading poetry... well, i almost read myself to sleep. just as i was drifting off i had an idea and forced myself to get up and write it out. it's been a while since i've written something i like... so the whole week just got redeemed in a poem. i slept in. this afternoon I went to a game (go gators!). we won, of course.

mentally, i feel like i've finished running a marathon, and now i can just sit back and enjoy the endorphins.