my inner egg thoughts

2008-01-20T01:06:00.000-08:00

I am in PA school at the University of Florida. I barely have time to eat or shower or breathe properly. I hope all of you are living well and doing interesting things, but I'm sorry, I don't have time to read any of your blogs to find out! Maybe next year...
love, anna

2007-01-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

The Return

2007-01-16T07:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

--------I have been wanting to write you all for a while – I’ve been home in Kunming for over a month now – but I wasn’t sure what to say. A brief timeline of my actions these past six months is as follows:

- Stayed at South African School of Ministry for about two weeks
- Drove three days to our destination in Mozambique, a place called Maforga
- Lived in Maforga for three months at a boys’ home
- Helped start a feeding program for thirty village children in July
- Moved to a small town called Gondola in August, closer to the villages
- Drove back to South Africa and flew home in late November

--------As for mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? I know at least that I’m a changed person. At the school of ministry I had a very difficult time. It was like spiritual boot-camp for me, actually. I often felt angry because I saw friends around me, Tracy and other warriors of the faith, deeply experiencing the presence of God, while I felt forgotten by Him. How foolish of me, I know. But those couple of weeks were ultimately good for me, because I was able to rely on God with more faith, to believe He loved and valued me as much as anyone else, no matter what I was feeling. In the end I was able to believe once again in His closeness.
--------Of course, that was only the beginning of the struggle. I went to Moz and had other problems. I found myself working almost exclusively with children – the boys at the boys’ home, five orphan toddlers who lived across the street, the children in the feeding program out in the village – and felt completely overwhelmed. I had prayed that God would show me His heart for the people there, and He did. I began to get a sense of the infinite value of those children – their personalities, their talents, their potential. And it almost broke my heart. There was so much need and so much they deserved to have, and what I could give them was not nearly enough, would never be enough.

--------Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending. Or, a joyful one, I should say (there’s a difference). I read Mark 14, the story of when Mary anointed Jesus’ feet. The disciples were annoyed at the waste of the expensive perfume and started to criticize her, but Jesus said to leave her alone. “She has done a beautiful thing to me,” He said. “She did what she could.” I was so struck by that sentence. Jesus doesn’t see our projects as “big,” or “small,” or “useful,” in the way the world does. He wants our eyes on His face, our motivation to please Him, and for us to do what we can. It was such a relief to have my idea of “usefulness” corrected like that.
--------So here’s what I did in Mozambique: I helped start a feeding and nutrition program for thirty kids in a village called Canhunda, and then ran it for three more months after the other two girls I was working with went back to school at the end of the summer. I participated in bush clinics (with short-term teams from Canada, England and the States) where often over a hundred people were treated in a day (our record was 309).
--------I also read bedtime stories to and played soccer with and put band aids on cuts for some orphan boys. I took some toddlers on their daily walks. I sang songs and danced with village children. I prayed for lots of people (and got prayed for by lots of people). Honestly, the walks with the babies were my favorite thing. And while God taught me about their value, He also taught me about my own.
--------So thank you all so much for your support. I know many people were praying for me – as proof of that, let me tell you that in six months I never got malaria, intestinal problems or painful insect bites, and never got closer than fifteen meters to a snake. What I did do was love some babies, make some friends, and grow stronger in my relationship with God. And it was with your help that I was able to do it. Here’s a Mozambican feather for you, and a few verses from Matthew:

--------Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?... Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matt 6:26, 10:29-31)

--------As I said my difficult good-byes in Mozambique, I knew that God sees the true value of those children and will continue to care for them long after I have gone. May this new year bring you, also, a greater awareness of how much he loves and values you. God bless you all.
----------------------------------------------------------
Love,

anna

2006-04-01T22:47:00.000-08:00

April 2, 2006

Dear Friends,

I have started and restarted this letter at least ten times in as many days, and for some reason, no college essay has been as hard to write as this is. To push through the block that is my head, then, let me first lay out the facts.

I am graduating from the University of Florida in May with a degree in English and a Mandarin Chinese minor. My graduation present from Mom and Dad was a ticket to Mozambique, probably the best present I’ve ever gotten in my life! But to continue with the facts… I will be leaving for Mozambique on May 12^th, and hope to stay there until mid-December (funds allowing). There’s a clinic in Maforga, a remote area around the middle of the country, where I’ll join a group of one physician assistant, five nurses and several Mozambican volunteers. I met the physician assistant, Tracy, in Toronto about a month ago, and had some good talks with her. As for the clinic, I know they treat over a hundred patients a day, and hope to increase that to two hundred. They see a lot of malaria, parasites, complications from malnutrition, and HIV/AIDS. The average life expectancy in the surrounding villages is thirty-four years old.

I will be helping out at the clinic, learning as much as I can and, hopefully, being a representative of God’s love to the people there. I’m really excited about this opportunity, because ultimately, I want to work in medical missions overseas. I’m applying to physician assistant programs now, and hope to start school again after I get back, in the summer of 2007. Finally, because I’m a compulsive list-maker, I have compiled three lists as follows:

Things I am afraid of:

Poisonous snakes, particularly the black mambas that apparently like to hide in the open-roofed showers

Scorpions, same as above (as well as in shoes)

Weakness – the kind that might keep me in a warm sleeping bag in the morning instead of up and working, or let out complaints, or in any way keep me from putting others first

Things I am excited about:

Getting reacquainted with the third world

Going to Africa for the first time!

Feeling God’s heart for people in need

Learning how to treat patients in poor and remote areas, and perhaps helping them plan for a better standard of living in the long run

Working with Tracy and the other people there like her – she’s a truly humble person, who seems completely unaware of what a hero she is

Things I need prayer for:

See list 1! J

Funds

That my compassion will overflow for the people there, as His does for me

I would like to ask you to support me in this adventure! I covet your prayers, and I’d love to answer any questions you have – email me at eightythree_eggs@hotmail.com, or you can contact me at:

To the Nations Fellowship
1580 Lancaster Dr., Unit 37
Oakville, ON L6H 2Z5
Canada

(If so led, please make checks payable to “To the Nations Fellowship USA,” with a note specifying who it’s for)

Love and peace to all of you,

anna

The Giving Tree

2006-04-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

[A friend mentioned The Giving Tree in her blog, and my response got a little long... really, it became a post. Hence I am posting it.]

Ah, The Giving Tree. One of my favorites, too, and I also had the best experience with that book this week, which I will tell you. You have no choice. Ha ha ha. (But it's not as good a story without my expansive hand gestures... sorry ;)).

So I work at the library next door, yeah? Well, I do, at P--- Developmental School. My boss, who usually does storytime with the younger kids (in fact LOVES doing storytime so I've never offered to do it before, even though I love reading aloud, too)... was sick this week.

"Oh." I said casually. "Well... I could do it... if you WANT..." (trembling with excitement. not really). My second-in-command boss said, "Sure, why not." I picked out a little book about a frog in a bog on a log.

In walks the kindergarten, eyes shining, little pigtails curling, feet and fingers twitching. The epitome of cute and fresh-into-the-world-ness.

So I sat on the little stool and read the little book, pausing appropriately at the rhymes, etc., etc. but I was done in about five minutes. I said, "The End," in my most expressive book voice, closed the cover, and looked into their expectant faces... "And, uh, NOW...," I continued, "for the SECOND book," and grabbed the first familiar title I saw on the shelf.

You really can't go wrong with The Giving Tree. I have yet to meet a kid who doesn't like it. It's always been one of my favorites, so when I read it (I really must abandon modesty here and say- ) I really did it justice. :) I read the final line - "And the tree was happy." There was a pregnant pause.

And then the kindergarten burst into applause.

I kid you not! They clapped. It was a defining moment. It made me wish for a second that I could be a career story reader. I guess I'll have to abandon my role when my boss comes back next week, but it was great while it lasted. :)

2006-01-12T19:39:00.000-08:00

ROAD TRIP!!!

Awesome Awesomeness.

2005-12-21T06:57:00.000-08:00

Yeah, just... yeah. Just read it.

http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html

The best I ever heard was "I've got no respect for her. She's a silly pig."

But I only had a semestre's worth of experience to draw on...

Halloween...

2005-12-17T00:27:00.000-08:00

I know it's out of season, but I'm adding this picture in honor of Claudia. She was my suite mate, and now she has gone to England to be with her own red-headed, skinny version of Ron Weasely (or Mr. Bingly, although she strongly refutes this). I will miss her terribly.

Three things to note:
1) In case you can't deduce for yourself, we are, from left to right, Audrey Hepburn, Pocahontas, a butterfly, and... um... I'm not sure. I think I was going for Roman goddess... (looks sheepish). So yeah, that's Sarah, Carolina, Claudia and yours truly.
2) That is koolaid in my hand, I swear. Koolaid.
3) I had to stand far away from Claudia because she was deadly with those wings, and the tips were right at eye-level. Seriously. We went to a club afterwards, and she kept whapping people over the head with them. If she wasn't so cute, somebody would have kicked her ass... But she was, so in Claudia's own immortal words, "It's all good!!"

I'm gonna miss you, hoochie!

Tagged by Star...

2005-12-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

Ground Rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yours" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ/blog/xanga entry about their 5 quirky habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.

My five weird habits (only five?) are as follows:

1. I eat my M&Ms (and Skittles) in a specific order. I pour some into my hand, and eat so that I'm evening them out - so that there is the same number left of each color. Then I eat one from each color in the order of the rainbow until they're all gone.

2. I hate cutting birthday cake. Don't ask me why. (Is that a habit or a preference?)

3. I keep greeting cards for months, sometimes years, before I can bring myself to throw them away. Sometimes I don't throw them away at all... they're in a box under my bed.

4. I brush my teeth in the shower. In fact, I keep two toothbrushes, one for the sink and one for the shower. I've been told this is weird. I don't know. It saves time, anyway.

5. I whistle loudly if I'm walking and the weather's nice. Usually George Winston arrangements...

Now I tag:
Tegan, Katrina, asciiskull, Kate, and Dan-man

Mwahahahahhahaa! Confrom! CONFORM to the online silliness!!!

2005-12-07T00:05:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again... It's an Asian-American lit paper, not African lit, but the principle's the same. What else should I be doing now, with an 8-page paper due in eleven hours, but updating my blog?! Jing Jing from class has this to say about said paper in her away message:

"my perfect excuse: I'm a model minority, you can't fail me!"

So am I! So that solves all my problems. Forget the paper. I'm going to go get a good night's sleep now.

Ehe, just kidding... I am now almost completely overwhelmed with guilt. Okay, I give in! I'll do it! I'll write your stinking paper. Stupid oppressive educational system. Grumble grumble.

2005-12-03T01:00:00.000-08:00

Confession:

Appalling Hollywood-ization of the ending notwithstanding, I have been to see Pride and Prejudice 3 times. And that's not even what I'm confessing... I am forced to admit that, given the opportunity, I would go see it even again.

Ah, Mr. Darcy, soon we will be together! Soon.

2005-10-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

Twenty-two. What do I think of you, seeing your lonely little face in the mirror? Doesn't seem like you've come very far. Where are you going?

2005-09-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

If you see this, post a Shakespeare quote in your journal.

What, you egg! Young fry of treachery! - Macbeth

2005-09-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

New Things that Happened To or Around Me The Past Couple of Weeks:
(oh how i love my lists)

- I gave blood for the first time. I am O+. That is very good, apparently. I am a universal donor. I donate to the universe.

- I love my Chinese discussion group. We meet at the quad and sit in the grass and talk in Chinese for an hour. It gives me yet another reason to look forward to Fridays.

- I agreed to participate in the date auction. ("Holy crap!" says that tiny voice of wisdom in my head. "Have you lost your mind?!" "Ho, ho, ho, why yes I have," I answer myself. And that is the end of the discussion. I refuse to think about it any more. Especially not about having to stand on a stage and have my friends place a monetary value on quality time spent with me... nervous laughter. It is NOT a big deal).

- Tests and papers are due... bla bla bla, no one cares, least of all me.

- I am writing a resume for the first time.

- It is absolutely beautiful weather. Oh computer, why am I looking at you? You are not the swing on the front porch. Why do I bother with you? I am leaving. And taking my poetry with me.

[Anna flounces out, list and loyal blog-readers - cough cough - completely forgotten.]
So sorry! I have sunshine to absorb!

windchimes and treehouses

2005-08-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

i must sit my statistics final tomorrow. whoever woke up one morning and decided it would be a good idea to make studying statistics an educational requirement should DIE. i don't understand it at aaaaalllll... sob. if only i could knot all my worldly possessions in a red polka-dotted handkerchief and run away, like they did in the good old days. i'd make wind-chimes out of interesting things i found in the dump and sell them at the farmer's market, and live in a treehouse that i built myself, on the outskirts of town. maybe i'd get a dog.

why can't we ever just live the way we want to?

2005-08-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

i have this wonderful feeling of well-being tonight, i think because i've been talking to jessica. we were remembering friends we had in those very first few years, kindergarten and first grade... and memories i didn't even know i had began to surface. the images were so vivid, because there was so much emotion attached to each one - everything that happened then was all-engrossing and important and in full color. i feel very alive now.

in particular, i remember the two parts of my trio in first grade, ambreen and alicia. ambreen's yard had a circle of pine trees in it that made a perfect fort, sheltered from her mom's kitchen window. we played there until we learned to grow afraid of spiders. in the back corner of her yard, there was a soft clover patch where we would hunt for four-leafed ones. it's funny, the propensity kids have for creating rituals. if we found a four-leaf clover, it was a lucky day, but we knew it wouldn't really work for wishes unless we thought them really hard, circled around the drainage pipe three times, and poked the leaves in the top.

alicia had a little brother who was obsessed with cherry bombs. i don't think he'd ever even seen one, but he always talked about them. he'd pretend he'd had his leg blown off by one, and we'd have to drag him to safety behind the bushes. once, when my dad came to pick me up, alicia's dog decided he was dangerous and ripped up the cuff of his pants. she had the straightest blond hair i'd ever seen. she almost didn't have to comb it. ambreen and i were better friends, though. we used to carry treasures in lunch boxes when we came over to play, and give each other presents of pretty crayon colors - aquamarine, peony pink, forest green - or we'd barter for them. for years after we moved, i kept the carved marble cat that she gave me on my shelf of special things.

i love only yeats.

2005-07-25T03:35:00.000-07:00

HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

2005-07-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

i have yet to leave the house today. things that happened to me anyway:

- was accosted by two small girls named jade and jasna. i helped them type their mom a letter, since they were quite enamored with my computer. they also went through my cds and made me try on numerous pairs of earrings. i am so tired.

- blushed four times in three minutes. the word loser comes to mind... damn him! go away!

- a large bowl of chocolate ice-cream and a piece of marbled cheesecake JUMPED right into my mouth. i don't know how that happened.

- my parents called. dad discovered a guesthouse on fu xian lake. mom is not coming in august, after all. garrett and rosemary were wrestling. garrett told them to say hi from him, but rosemary did not. i will forever feel snubbed.

- my friend josh finished his last day of apartment-hunting, and he'll head back to kentucky tomorrow. he also wants to walk around campus tonight to get to know it, since he'll be here in the fall for his masters in english. i love that my friends are so smart. i will follow the ever-wise claudia's advice, and wear sneakers. i still don't want to go, though. do you KNOW how bleeding hot it's been here? but maybe it's cooled off. after all, how would i know?

here's to my new novel: my life as an urban hermit.

2005-07-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have tried many new things this past week or two.

Number 1 - salsa dancing! I know, you're all collectively dying of shock. I had an offer I couldn't resist, though. ;) I was terrible - what's my famous quote again? Carol wrote it down, hold on...
"I look like a corpse on strings when I dance! or like a rhinoceros having a seizure!"
Still had a good time, though.

Number 2 - taking the driver's test! Not only taking the driver's test, but PASSING! Yeah, baby. Looking at the 17-day anniversary this afternoon. So, yes, I braved the evil DMV priestess and returned victorious.

Number 3 - sliding down a rain-slick hill on a trash bag. Okay, so this one wasn't quite as successful as the last two. After grinding to a halt a couple of times in the grass (and getting blades stuck up my nose), we decided to have roll-down-the-hill-as-fast-as-you-can-wearing-the-trash-bags-like-in-Garden-State races, instead. I lost.

Number 4 - not skinny dipping at New Smyrna Beach. I'm not sure how we could have forgotten, but we did...

Number 5 - tonight, all-you-can-eat sushi. Yes, of course, like any good Asian, I have had sushi on numerous occasions. I have not, however, been to the raw fish free-for-all that tonight promises to be. Wish me luck.

That's all for now, but I hope and pray that the list will lengthen with every passing day. It's dull not to learn new things.

2005-07-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

Danielle tagged me, dagnabit.

Post five things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. what lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? post it to your journal, and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

1. writing something descriptive with a good pen, one that doesn't scratch. or reading it aloud - to myself.

2. listening to the ocean (and seashells don't count).

3. making a little kid laugh.

4. going fast with the windows down

5. playing my music AS LOUD AS I WANT!!!

Now i tag:
kate
katrina
tegan
star
asciiskull

summertime, and the livin is eeeeasy....

2005-05-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

i just downloaded that song... go billie. it's not so easy, though. i mean, it is but it isn't. how? how! did i get 8 o'clock classes all flipping summer long? i've already missed two of them, and it's only the first week... shh! don't tell. last week i went up to new york to see all my uber cool friends there before they graduated and became real life adults (gasp). then i went to atlanta to see my only fellow high school graduate get MARRIED. weirdness. i feel like i should be acting older than i do... i should be wearing pant suits and flat-soled shoes. or at least drive a car. or at least have a driver's license... aaah, my life cracks me up. in a rueful sort of way.

2005-04-26T02:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my good gravy, am I tired of typing. Katrina J. B. Lao, I hope you appreciate this! I made a blog for my poetry. It's very long and dull... but it's there if you want to read it.

Happy World Day for Water!

2005-04-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

Today is the World Day for Water. It kind of makes me thirsty just to think about it... I got a kit once from my cousin that contained everything you would need to put on a miniature play, including two scripts. One was silly, I don't remember it very well, something about all the different fairy tales getting mixed up in each others' stories, but the second one was about the future. A little boy's grandmother takes him back in time (to our time) to show him how it used to be, when clean water was so abundant that people could actually drink it out of the tap, and wash in it whenever they felt like it! It made me think long and hard about the way things might be one day. I "received a very deep impression," as they say in Chinese. Plus it was ironic, because at the time I really couldn't drink water out of the tap.

We actually had a whole system for drinking water - filled the kettle from the faucet, heated it until it had boiled for ten or fifteen minutes, then poured the water into the first hot water thermos. The cap to yesterday's hot water thermos was loosened so that the water would be cool by the next day, and a third thermos held (finally) cold, drinkable water. Cold boiled water has a particular taste, probably from a combination of the metallic precipitate at the bottom of the tea kettles and from sitting still for so long. Whenever we were back in the States, it felt so fresh and daring to drink from the tap. Or a water fountain! Wow. You Americans really do live the life... At the time, though, boiling water wasn't really something I thought about, any more than I thought about having to soak fresh vegetables in iodine or always peeling apples. It was the same, I guess, as filling the dishwasher here, or mowing the lawn - something I have still never done. Or in other places, carrying water from the river and herding goats. You're used to the little ways you live your life, and you don't realize until you step outside of it just how strange they are.

Post Script: UNEP photo contest: http://www.unep.org/photocomp2005/
They had some of these posted on the msn website, but you really should look at all 25. Disappointed that they wouldn't let me download any of them - I literally stopped breathing when I saw number 6...

Professor M and The Hair

2005-04-05T02:13:00.000-07:00

Before we begin this story, let me introduce the principle characters. I, of course, am Narrator. Otherwise, it's really a Dialogue between Professor M [opinionated, fascinating middle-aged Bostonian linguist] and The Hair [student].

Various students in the class have caught my attention, for positive, negative or benign reasons. For instance, there are the language informants - Jamaica 1 and 2, Spain... I am the proud holder of the Mandarin Chinese seat (although Professor M didn't believe me at first, and made me prove it in front of the whole class one day). There is also Slightly Stupid Verbal Girl, who makes out-of-context comments to which the professor is unsure how to respond. Finally, there is our Hebrew informant, The Hair. He has beautiful, long, curly hair. Thus, he is The Hair.

Now to the exposition. On Good Friday (and Passover), our professor decided to discuss a holiday-appropriate topic - the language of religion. I think the main gist of his lecture was that language is a powerful tool with which we can create beings which may or may not exist. (I am unsure, because the lecture was peppered - and then there was the huge sneeze that constitutes this story - with interruptions from philosophical students). There are all kinds of theories about the spirit world, he said, and not all of them can be true, therefore some of them must simply be created by the human brain and by language. Our post-modernist students, however, could not accept such a statement.

"How do you define reality?"
"How do you know they (the inhabitants of the invisible world) don't all exist? If it's real to me, then it's as real as it needs to be."
"But," Professor M responds, "Surely you don't believe that there is such a thing as, say, flying invisible elephants... I hope we can all agree on the point that flying invisible elephants are beings that I have, just now, simply created by language."

Apparently we could not.

I must interrupt for a moment to explain a rule that Professor M has wisely instated in the class. It is a class of 150 students, so to avoid a single student's manipulating the conversation, and to make sure that many people get the chance to voice an opinion, he limits every student to two comments per lecture. The Hair had some vehement opinions to express about reality and the fact that shared experience is what creates reality, not empiricism, yada yada. He used up his comments.

The Drama begins. The Hair drew several curious eyes by once again raising his hand. We all knew he'd used up his comments. He knew it. However, it seemed to have become a matter of principle. Professor M, peeved, called him on this.

"You have used up your comments, I really don't-" M began.
"But how can you decide what is-"
"Please, you're disrupting the class, you've used up-"
"I didn't use them up, you kept interrupting me!"
"Stop. Okay? Be quiet."

But having begun, The Hair could not stop and kept talking over the professor. That was the last lexicon, as far as Professor M was concerned. Quite suddenly, he lost it. Eyes blazing, hand pointing imperiously, the learned professor began shouting at The Hair - in Hebrew! The class as a body was taken aback. Our eyes darted around the room, looking to each other to confirm what we'd heard. "Was that...? Did he really...?" Yes, it was, he did. Our eyes swivelled back to The Hair.

"Wow," he said. To this day I have no idea what Professor M said. All I caught was the word "shechem." It was enough to shut The Hair up, though. He began to pack his bag. The class sat in awkward silence, and the professor tried to find the thread of the lecture he had so unceremoniously dropped.

"Ahem... Ahem... so the invisible world.." Professor M began. Yet The Hair was not finished. The tension crackled. With drama, with flair even, he slung his bag over his back and threw a parting shot.

"Professor or not," he cried passionately, "You have no right to belittle these students!" And even as he opened his mouth, Professor M was letting loose another stream of scathing Hebrew. The Hair fled out the door, spilling books and papers from his half-closed book bag. No one dared move to pick them up. Silent, frozen, horrified, we held our collective breath as interminable seconds passed.

"Well," Professor M remarked, as composed as if he had not just been bawling out a student in a foreign language, "You mention religion in a classroom and you never know what issues are going to be raised..." He shook his head affectionately. "Now, the invisible world-" And he finished the rest of his hour-long lecture.

2005-03-30T04:04:00.000-08:00

mysterious...

i'm baaaack.

2005-03-30T03:10:00.000-08:00

well, apparently a couple of people DO read this from time to time. so first of all, i want to give a shout out to my brilliant friend alison who just got into tufts, columbia AND johns hopkins!! i am so proud. you're amazing, alison. and wow, on a side note - who knew riding on the sorority row bus would wear off on me so? "shout out?"

since i last posted, my life has gone up and down several times, and ended up leaving me in about the same place. i am still not nearly as motivated about school as i need to be, especially if i'm going to take both organic chemistry 1 & 2 over the summer... God help me. i think He will, though. and i love my poetry class.

i have an excellent story to tell about my anthropology class, but really don't have the energy to tell it tonight... next time. also, remember to ask about the bizarre email i got... i'll post it. so i'll leave you with this closing thought to ponder:
if someone (namely, my Indian Stalker) googles your name, finds the only thing you've ever published in an obscure online newsletter, then changes the title and puts his name as the author, then shows it to you... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

p.s. i have the cutest roomie ever. http://www.livejournal.com/users/starline/167181.html

2005-01-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

Nobody reads this stupid thing anyway... I get bored when I look at it. I'm going back to paper. So long!

to Mike:

2005-01-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

it rains
in Vancouver.

rain rain.

rain.

in Vancouver.

2005-01-18T01:35:00.000-08:00

i think my best talent might be recognizing talent in others... this girl is a brilliant writer. check it out!

http://www.hephaestusnetwork.com/users/fantastical/

making faces.

2005-01-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

yesterday we were coming back from the track (yes, i excercised! who knew i was capable?). star was telling a story and i was getting distracted, so i started making faces at her whenever she looked away. she never noticed, but we were stopped at an intersection, and i suddenly realized that the next car over was watching, fascinated... i think i made a new friend.

speaking of amusing encounters with strangers... the day before that i was unlocking my bike outside of carlton when i noticed a guy, also getting his bike, looking at me. so i smiled, and he said hi, and i said hey back, but i realized the hi was a sort of hey-i-know-you sort of hi... so i gave him a quizzical look, and he answered by saying, "hey, i know you from somewhere." and i said, "you do?" because i sure didn't recognize him. he said, "yeah, but i have to be in class in four minutes, so i guess we'll never figure it out." and he rode away.

so we'll never know. it's a mystery.

myth? reality?

2005-01-12T14:06:00.000-08:00

i'm having a hard time believing school is real... i wake up and think, "do i really need to go to class?" i stop and consider drowsily for a minute, until i'm distracted by how comfortable my mattress is, how well my pillow fits under my head... "naaaah," i decide, and roll over.

it's a bad place to be. i have to go to class. i need to be motivated to do my reading and learn my characters and formulas. there is a lot to do this semestre. nevertheless, for the past ten days or so i've been watching tv, going out to eat with friends, going to class every once in a while, when i feel like it. i haven't even completely unpacked! i have to jump over my suitcase to get into bed! bad, bad anna. bad!

okay then. i'm going to stop blogging and clean up. right now. as soon as i get up... yeah. maybe i'll check my email first...

Christmas at home!

2004-12-19T14:45:00.000-08:00

after 13 hours from dallas to tokyo and 4 1/2 hours from tokyo to beijing, a night in beijing and a 3 hour flight from beijing to kunming, i am home. kate and i got back yesterday at noon, went to see rosemary play a basketball game, and then went to my mom's company christmas party... had a good long talk with zhang jin, then hung out with alison and melissa, our cousins in every sense but blood... this morning we just stayed home and had a service as a family, did our traditional advent reading and lit the candle. our tree looks like it always does - junky. :) mom refuses to throw away ornaments we made from burnt matches in middle school, paper cutouts from kindergarten; pictures of us in tiny homemade frames make a timeline of the years. kate and i have been unpacking our trunks and frantically wrapping the christmas presents, so that the office, where we've stationed ourselves, will no longer be "off-limits" and the rest of the family can check their email again.
it's a beautiful winter day here in kunming. the sky is that faded blue that i love, a mountain sky. we can see the mountains clearly against the horizon, layered against each other in shades of blue and grey. my parents make the same jokes i remember year after year - inside jokes that only our family would understand, a one-line reference to our stories. it's good, good to be home.

2004-12-16T01:27:00.000-08:00

I have not been asleep since 10 o'clock Tuesday morning. That's a long time. The only reason my eyes are open is because my eyelids have rusted in place. It's kind of hard to breath. I have a page and a half yet to write before my essay is officially long enough for my professor to give it a look, instead of automatically assigning an F. I'm sorry, an E... I forgot, there are no F's at UF. Like there are no French fries in America, only freedom fries. As if anyone really cares. Who thinks of these things? I feel like I'm trying to squeeze just a few more drops of blood out onto the paper, but I'm about bled out. I honestly don't have anything more to say than what... I've said. Yeah. Everything has a bit of a green tint to it. But did I mention that if I survive this, I can get on a plane and sleep for 30 hours? I'm so tired I don't think I'll even notice that the seat is too small and my knees jut out into the aisle. The bumping of the drink cart against my shins will be nothing but pleasant butterflies in my dreams. I long for sleep like an addict longs for opium... And at the end of that long somnolent tunnel, there will suddenly be a babble of Chinese voices, the smell of noodles, a crowded taxi ride down new four-lane highways and - home!

Punchinello

2004-12-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

I got two comments this week. Aren't comments great? I feel affirmed when I have comments. People, often total strangers (and it's even better then), have acknowledged my existence and approved. It's like the mini version of getting an award. It's like a Wemmick getting a star instead of a gray spot. Have you ever read that story by Max Lucado? I think it's called You Are Special... It's actually quite profound. I'll look it up, hold on... Here's the publishers' description:

"Every day the small wooden people called Wemmicks do the same thing: stick either gold stars or gray dots on one another. The pretty ones--those with smooth wood and fine paint--always get stars. The talented ones do, too. Others, though, who can do little or who have chipped paint, get ugly gray dots. Like Punchinello.
In this heartwarming children's tale from the best-selling pen of author Max Lucado, Eli the woodcarver helps Punchinello understand how special he is--no matter what other Wemmicks may think. It's a vital message for children everywhere: that regardless of how the world evaluates them, God cherishes each of them, just as they are."

Aaaaww....

Happy Christmas!

2004-12-06T23:37:00.000-08:00

I bought a Jewel Christmas CD two years ago and finally removed it from its clear plastic wrap today. I had forgotten about it until now. Listening to Jewel sing happy songs was something of a pleasant shock, and I thoroughly enjoyed them. Though it is once again in the high 60s and too hot for a jacket in the afternoons, Derek from next door left us a Christmas present and I am now in the holiday spirit. What a cute boy - he brought us a little sprig of mistletoe and taped it over the front door.
So I know I said I was signing off for finals and all that, but after all, I'm trying to write an African Lit paper. Thus I feel compelled to follow the tradition begun in my very first blog, and procrastinate shamelessly by publishing nonsense on the web instead.
I have now been sitting still, with my hands folded across my expansive Thanksgiving stomach, for about fifteen minutes. It's not that I actually had anything to say... I just don't want to do what I'm supposed to be doing.
But isn't it strange to think about quarks? Did you know they have names like charm, beauty, truth? (Of course you did, it's only me who doesn't know these things...) I sometimes think that the most basic particle, the one we haven't found yet, is just a ring of suspended energy, linked to the next ring, and so on. And one day God will sneeze and the universe will destabilize. Evaporate.
I sneezed in the middle of chemistry class today. It was very dramatic - I had to drop my pencil and catch my face with both hands, it was that powerful. My mom sneezed when I was talking to her on the phone last night. She has a great sneeze, like a walrus who's been startled... It made me even more homesick - it's been growing in waves ever since I got our plane tickets in the mail, and that was weeks ago. My passport and visa came today. But anyway - sneezes. If you go here, http://www.subservientchicken.com/, you can make the chicken sneeze. Or riverdance, or fence. But he won't do everything. He couldn't figure out how to paint his toenails.
My stalker Indian friend has been telling me about algebraic topology. It's not very interesting, I'm afraid, at least to me, because at the end of the drawings and examples I ask him, "So what does that mean?" and he just shrugs and says, "There is no practical application." Maybe I'm being close-minded, though. I mean, at the time, was there a practical application for the Pythagorean theorem?
Well, enough babbles for the day. Pause for rueful laugh. What a waster of cybernetic space and time I am. I hope that you, dear reader (my single reader...) can come away feeling intellectually superior, at least, and so I have encouraged you.

WHEW!

2004-12-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

oh, it's back. ohmygosh. what a relief. i thought i'd lost them all... that's a lot of thoughts to disappear at once. i felt strangely brainwashed.

2004-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

oh nooooooo! where are all my posts? i've just lost a semestre's worth of journal entries! sob...

2004-11-29T22:25:00.000-08:00

my inner egg thoughts officially signing off for the next three weeks STOP finals STOP you understand END TRANSMISSION

deadline...

2004-11-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

i have to write a poem by saturday. what should i write about?

"A poem should not mean, but be"
but what does THAT then mean to me?
its existence waits on
whose creativity?

hyuck hyuck.

kate, if you're reading this, i had a great time this weekend! i'm so glad you're my sister.

2004-11-14T02:00:00.000-08:00

sometimes i am overwhelmed by the fear that i am incredibly boring and no one wants to listen to me.

Apologies

2004-11-14T01:40:00.000-08:00

Wow. I am such a whiner. Here I am, practically being paid by the government to get a college education, when people in the countryside of my province are lucky to get past third grade. I live in a country where I can get any job I'm capable of doing, where I have so much food at my disposal that my health is actually in danger, where health care is at least enough to save my life if I needed it (although as far as prevention goes, I'm on my own...). In the summer I get air-conditioning, in the winter, heat. Instead of owning two sets of clothing and a pair of shoes like most Chinese farmers, I have a closet full and the disposable income to buy more before they even wear out, solely because I want to look different. I have a computer and access to all the information that implies. I am free to express my opinion (for the most part). I am free to worship. And I sit here complaining about the emptiness of my life! For shame, Anna!

enjoyment

2004-11-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

late yesterday afternoon i went with a couple of friends to a lake near where we live. there were three sailboats out on the water, and as the wind changed the sails turned and caught the light of the setting sun, glowing like shards of moon against the trees. the evening breeze was perfect, cool and light. we lay on the dock, and at one point a hawk that had been fishing over the lake came and hovered above us - curious, i guess. we talked for a while. i took too many pictures. it was really nice, and i realized how seldom one is allowed those little calming breaths of free time. at least in the states, anyway. i wish i lived in a place where enjoyment was common... where instead of being something to earn by doing one's quota of distasteful things first (school, work), it was a way of living. maybe it's all in my head, maybe enjoyment is a mind set, but sometimes it's just not possible... am i supposed to enjoy my 8:30 lab every friday morning? or am i supposed to enjoy spending hours doing math assignments that i only have to turn in 50% of the time? all that i do right now seems so empty of meaning... school is just empty learning at this point. i'm having trouble remembering why i'm still here... what's at the end of the rainbow again? oh yeah. when i finally finish, i get to join the work force and spend the rest of my life "making ends meet." sounds like a dream.

am-bushed.

2004-11-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

we are that much closer to the end of the world as we know it. bush is winning! argh!

quote heard from a 92-year-old voter, deadpan, when asked if voting for bush: "I'd rather vote for a gorilla."

'Patriotism is supporting your country all of the time and the government when it deserves it.'
- Mark Twain

2004-10-31T16:57:00.000-08:00

I am 21 years old. Wow.

2004-10-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

i'm in a funk. can't figure out why or what's wrong... i saw a piece of artwork in a shop window in scotland that, if i hadn't been so poor, i would have bought, and today it would hang on my wall as my icon and personal motto. yet i am an impoverished student, so it's just a memory that i look at from time to time and smile over (i suspect, too, that the memory is richer than any thoughts i'd have as actual owner of the piece, so maybe poverty is positive). it was a portrait of a bald young man, head and shoulders, balancing a lit candle on the crown of his head. written in script across his chest were the words: "don't ask me why this is me." that's how i feel. i feel like breaking something, and chewing someone out, and creating, and being worthwhile. i am discontent. i just am. don't ask me why, because i haven't figured it out either.

2004-10-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

me and *---

checkbook ying-yang

2004-10-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

i am balancing my checkbook. or, well, not balancing my checkbook. attempting but not. bad karma or something. i got back from danielle's house - no grout. i was vaguely disappointed, but she had cute dogs and i got to see the relatives down in st. pete today, so s'all good. main reason to update - i have been immortalized in comic! see: http://www.livejournal.com/users/starline/, the oct. 23rd 2am entry. i'm on the right. thanks star!

2004-10-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

hurray! i'm going out of town with danielle and bri, and i'm going to be staying in danielle's barn, i think, and helping her grout her new house... seriously, it's going to be such a relief to get down and dirty and not have to use my brain for one day. be back sunday night!

reporting live from insanity

2004-10-21T03:15:00.000-07:00

aaaah! an 83! i got an 83! i. passed. my. chinese. midterm. it's such a good feeling. it's 3 o'clock in the morning, i have to rewrite that stupid B paper, i am eating apple jacks and listening to nickel creek, i got a comment from tegan the poetic and fun emails from ben (who knew the fall of the mughal empire could create such suspense?). life is good.

all the girl relatives went to new smyrna beach at the end of the summer - nine letton ladies, treasures of florida. though it was fantastic fun, when we left i forgot my summer china pictures there. aunt trudy just mailed them back to me, and i promptly pinned 12 of them to my corkboard. i should scan some of them. i think they're good. i keep looking up from my desk to admire them conceitedly.

it is inexplicable, this feeling of well-being i have. i am very sick. if the treefrogs who keep sneaking into our house could talk, i am how they would sound. my nose is drippy and my throat tickles. but i feel great! that's it. i have finally cut all ties with reality. my mind is calling to me from a distance, telling me that back in sanity i feel really bad, but in my own little rainbow world out here, euphoria reigns.

i am not a dancer, and yet when brenda fassie sings i dance. brenda fassie rocks my world.

shi yue

2004-10-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves!
- Humbert Wolfe

it's a perfect day in gainesville. it's still warm enough for t-shirts, but it has that feel of autumn. the light is clearer, and the smell of the air has changed. i imagine that the split second before we die, we have one last burst of vivid awareness - we'll feel the electricity shivering between individual nerve cells in our bodies, and hear our own heartbeat louder than anything else. if this is true, then it makes sense why fall, the dying year, feels so alive.

i got a B and B- on my big papers and failed my chinese midterm. i failed it, i'm sure. good news is that so did the rest of the class... so i'm not the only idiot there, YES! the great news is that i just got tickets for kate and me to go home this christmas, and money has come through to pay for it, too. Praise God! so if nothing else, i can escape my abysmal grades at the end of the semestre by hopping on a plane. i hope you're all having as great a day as i am!

2004-10-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

Kunming, China. The greatest place on earth, not to mention HOME.

okay, okay

2004-10-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

so it WAS dumb. no one left a comment, and i had to figure it out on my own, and that took longer. now it's saturday afternoon... i'm compulsively eating peanut butter m&ms and trying not to think about what i have to do today. UF's playing LSU, which is apparently a big deal. i do not have tickets, but i'll be cheering them on in that little corner of my mind that i keep for organized sports. it's a very little corner. i played racquetball with carolina the other day, but we had to make up our own rules. especially since i'd just been on the phone in tears with financial affairs, it was quite liberating to be able to bash something around. then my check finally came the next day, and i immediately paid all my school bills and bought myself some cotton balls. hey, it's what i've been wanting. star and danielle are sitting on my bed, and danielle thinks ted looks like an anteater. punk. we're having a "faith talk." more later! - because i know you're just dying to hear more about my fascinating life.

2004-10-07T01:29:00.000-07:00

hey guys - i need feedback on this poem. is it funny? does it make any sense? be honest, i won't be hurt. i am iron. :)

Anatomy of a Loss

Help me find -
my ears, where are my ears?
Oh, here. I was sitting on them.
My teeth? Maybe...
over there, in the planter?
Yes. My arms are
on the bookshelf
and my nose is there
on the floor. Thank you.
My stomach fell
somewhere - check under the desk.
No, my eyes
were closed, so
they're still right here.
And so is my heart, but it broke.
I'm sorry, I guess

after he left
I just fell apart.

c. 2004

Poetry redemption

2004-10-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

wow, what a week. it's much too boring to tell you about, but it left me feeling exhausted. then last night, when it was finally over, i watched a chick flick with some friends and read myself to sleep. there's something about reading poetry... well, i almost read myself to sleep. just as i was drifting off i had an idea and forced myself to get up and write it out. it's been a while since i've written something i like... so the whole week just got redeemed in a poem. i slept in. this afternoon I went to a game (go gators!). we won, of course.

mentally, i feel like i've finished running a marathon, and now i can just sit back and enjoy the endorphins.

2004-09-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

my favorite piece of artwork to date.

first published thoughts

2004-09-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

so my sister and housemates have convinced me that, yes, in fact, my thoughts are important enough to publish on the web. i still have my doubts, but whatever, i'm spineless and did what they told me to do. plus, it's a nice reason to avoid my african lit paper that's only, oh, 25% of my final grade. (anna takes a moment to hyperventilate). if you could write 4-6 pages about how okonkwo relates to the women in his life in Things Fall Apart, what would you want to say? any thoughts? i need this by tomorrow, guys. hop to it.

so the weekend hurricane showed up right on time, as it has every weekend since school started. this one was a little anti-climactic, though; i barely noticed it. except every time the lights flickered, because then the whole house screamed "nooooo!" in unison. [for those of you not up-to-date on every minute particular of my life, last hurricane our power went out for a couple of days, and no ac in gainesville is death-by-humidity.] good news - 1) the power never did go out, 2) monday classes are cancelled, so 3) i don't have to study for my chinese dictation and 4) i have an extra day to (not) write my african lit paper. business as usual: i'm farting around on the web instead of doing homework. if any of you are doing the same, do comment.